Monday, May 5, 2014

Conventional Wisdom, Untold Truths or Psychological Jargon?

Why is it so hard to understand that you cannot change what happens to you, but only how you feel, think and choose to respond to whatever is it that happens to you?

This is a truth hard to accept throughout life, but why? Simply because of one attribute to the mind we cannot unwire or change—that is that we are designed to seek, we are wired to want to know. In other words, we are conscious and intelligent beings. Yes, our brain works in such a way, that after posing a question, we have to somewhat, almost magically, try to have an answer for it. Even if the questions are ridiculous, fictional or unpleasant. It is much easier to please the mind with an answer we might not even believe fully, than to leave a question unattended in our minds. Of course, we also do achieve truths and do find answers that are in fact true, but in most of our limited experience and much more limited knowing, we are really deceiving ourselves. So, how exactly is our mind responsible for making us believe that we are our how we feel?

When we experience pain and suffering for instance, it is far much easier to directly correlate the pain we feel inside with an event that we have no control over and although this is true to a certain degree, we often surrender our humanity and dignity in doing so. Yes, certain external events have the power to trigger emotions. The betrayal of a friend, the death of a loved one, the disillusionment of a dream for instance, all of these can rapidly trigger negative emotions associated with those circumstances—but they can never determine how we feel. In other words, they can trigger sadness, but they cannot make us feel sad. It is healthy to mourn a love one for instance, but it is important to recognize our conscious self going through an emotion and not being that particular emotion. Our minds however, make the correlation stronger. They make the bond between an external event and the feeling you experience—the reality. Why? Because the mind’s ultimate concern is to understand and be pleased with any answer. So when we ask, why do I feel sad? Or why does this happen to me? Or Why is this so hard? Referring to the loss of a loved one—the answer the mind naturally wants to give is to go back to the bond. It hurts because I am my pain and my pain is me. In fact, the more the mind asserts the external circumstances as your own experience, the more it is pleased to assert a particular feeling. This is why when we experience intense joy or sadness we hold the events surrounding those feelings as either the source of happiness or the source of all trauma in life. While nothing can be further from the truth, it is extremely hard and a lifelong goal, to believe and train your mind different.

We take these external circumstances and sometimes we go further we them. Not only do we allow our feelings to override our fully conscious ability to choose them, but then we define ourselves by those feelings that originate in circumstances we do not have any power over! This is crazy yet we all do it. To be fired from your job just because the company had to make cuts to still be profitable, makes us feel sad, hopeless and incompetent. But then, not only are we overwhelmed by these feelings, but our minds asks the question, well why did this happen? And your mind naturally starts to conceive of an answer just to please its hunger for knowing. So we tell ourselves that we are losers, incompetents and mediocre and that is why we were fired. Feelings while triggered by external factors have the power to create a belief sustained by the rational mind which seeks to know and comprehend at all cost. Again, the unsatisfied mind will not rest until it has an answer whether this one is factual or not it does not matter. You can conceive the same scenario happening in a different way. When your mind asks why was I fired? You can say a million other things to satisfy the mind like, ‘It was time for me to take on a different task,’ or ‘I deserved better and something bigger is waiting.’

The empowerment comes from knowing two truths. First, in the peaceful recognition that we are not what happens to us. We cannot control external circumstances and therefore they do not define us. Consequently, our feelings are only manifestations of who we are—but not in their entirety. That is, they provide information about us, about our self—but they do not define the self. Second, in understanding how the mind works. The mind, by nature always wanting to know has to be trained to ask the right questions and also be trained to be in peace with not knowing. A life task—for sure. What are the right questions? Critical and complex questions with specific goals. When experiencing guilt, shame, sadness or animosity, to ask not why do you feel the way you feel (this might have a quick answer) but to ask instead what can I do so that this anger, confusion, guilt or shame doesn’t take over me? What can I do so that I am in charge of my anger and can funnel it in a productive way? To know that not only does your anger not deny who you are, instead that it provides information about you, but also in determining what and how you can do things to convert an unwanted experience into a transformative one.





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